11:32 a.m. - July 14, 2004
Family Ties
As I was looking back through older entries, I found that much that has happened over the last year has been left out! One of the most serious is Papaw's death. May 27th, 2004. This was probably the toughest one yet. When my grandma died, I was only about 13, still self-absorbed enough to not let it hit me as hard as it could have. That, and I accepted God's will a lot better when I was young...why do we do that? Papaw's passing hit harder than I was comfortable with. I know that sounds dumb! I love laughing, I love to smile and make others smile. I'm slightly sarcastic and tend to deal with life in a dry yet upbeat sort of way. If I could have chosen my emotion at the funeral, it would have been: 'he's had such a good long life!! All the people that he touched, all the familes he held together! No more coughing in the night, no more passing out! God's got his hands full with Papaw, but what a blessing to be in heaven!' Well, I tried that, but this time I couldn't happy my way out of the saddness I felt. To see all my cousins, aunts and uncles all there, our leader fallen. Papaw was Christmas or Thanksgiving when we all got together. He was a shining light that set the pace for the whole day! I never realized it until the funeral. When family was all tgether, papaw made sure there was no shortage of words! Onry and sly, so funny. It was the first time in years (if ever) that all the family had been together. That helped. There was so much catching up to do that it made the days easier. But when we all steped back into that parlor, it would change. The service went well. The minister said a lot that needed to be said I think. He knew papaw was a preacher, but didn't know that his children (shall we say) were lacking in religious fervor. The minister reminded us of the homecoming papaw received, and what we'd have to do in order to get that same oportunity. All in all, it was a lovely day. I cried a few times at the funeral, but have not let myself again. It's not that I bottle things up. I never hold back emotion then explode. I usually just keep it to myself until the sorrow passes. It's easier to not cry. I don't know why I'm like that. I guess thinking back, the only time my mom cried was in church or in a bad situation. My dad only cried in prayer or an apology. I'm quick to show happiness, meloncholy, anger, but not tears. Come to think of it, I just wasn't around any criers. Mike's family in contrast is full of people who can cry on demand. Who knows how I'd be if I grew up in an environment where crying was quicker than other emotions. I guess that's why seeing my own father crying just tore me to pieces. Looking at his anguished face made me want to run to him and break the dam of tears that was inside my head, but I couldn't do it. In my mind, it would only make him cry more- and make other's feel sorry for me...the day wasn't about me. I said a lot of small prayers throughout the day and in my mind, they made me feel better.
Anyways, mamaw is doing well. She's making it- and that alone is something! I never knew mamaw's personality until now. I don't think that papaw meant to, but he always outshined her in a room. Well, not just her, but everyone! When we went to visit her last week, it was the first time that I talked to her- just her. Her wit and humor awed me. She's not just the quiet serving wife and mother. She has much more than dinner preparations on her mind! I wish I could have known her when she was young. I bet I would have loved it. All of my cousins vowed that we will get together again... and not so long this time. I hope it will happen. I loved every small second of being with them. I'm at an age where I need those roots. I need to know where I come from. I need to know that I resemble someone!! I know that sounds silly, but I've spent my whole life never identifying with anyone in my family. I didn't behave or look like anyone! Now, as an adult I can see those subtle similarities. They draw me in like a bug light! I love knowing that my personality can be found in bits and pieces of my cousins, that I favor some of them in appearance. It's what gives me roots and background. It's what makes them feel more like family than they ever have before. I never knew this until papaw's death. His death brought me closer to my family than I have ever been. I'm realizing that my small idea of what I've always called family isn't enough anymore. I need that interaction with aunts and cusins! I think the biggest part of all that is that I am older now. It's not my parent's job to take me to see family, it's my job now. It's my job to write down the birthdays and send my own well-wishing cards. It's all part of growing up I guess!
I'll end with a letter. My aunt asked us all to write a little something for Father's Day. I know that he couldn't hear her reading our letters at the foot of his grave, but I also know that doing that would help my aunt, and all the others heal.
Papaw,
You know I miss you, but more importantly, I know how much fun you must be having right now. Sharing times with old friends, figuring out those lifetime questions like: Will Hulk Hogan end up on the good or bad side in the end? Why aren't there bags of plain red gummie bears? and Will the Bears ever win a super bowl again!? After you've had time to figure out all that stuff, I have a request. While I know God is a fair God, I'm failrly sure he likes you better! You're better looking than me, taller and had natural musical talent. So, maybe you have a little better edge than I would. Here's my request: Can you have God put my mansion on your block? I know I'll be albe to fly when I get there so distance isn't really a problem, but I just want to know that I can yell out my front window and you can hear me calling! While I've got you working favors for me..... could you tell my Grandma and Grampa Sipes that I'm doing good and that I have a good Christian man who loves me? Grandma never got to meet him- so you can let her know how good Mike treats me. But leave the "big ole ugly sucker" part out! Don't wanna make her nervous! Make sure old Goldie is being nice to Fella and that she's being fed enough. But mostly, out of everything that I'll ask you- I just want you to relax and be happy! Be happy knowing you've touched so many lives. I know that you led so many people to the Lord when you were alive. I think that even through death, those who were the closest to you will come to know God better. If you had to go up to heaven just to know your family would be saved, I know you would've done it. Well, I think this one may have got them all thinking a little clearer! Always know that you are loved and missed, and eventhough we may whine about you being gone- deep down we know you're having the time of your life!
Love, Neil
