12:37 a.m. - November 03, 2005
Another Year
Hmm... Where to begin. It's been over a year since my last enrty! I'm beginning to realize that I need to seriously sweep the cobwebs out of this place and put in some updates!
Well, another year older, another year married... and life goes on. My life is at an odd sort of transition stage right now. I did get another job, although it took forever. I am working at my church now. I'm a part time secretary there. I know that the job in itself is below my skill level- but I know that I'm supposed to be there. I waited for over a year to find a job. I kept thinking that God must be working something out for me because I was just in this stale place- not moving back, but not forward either. I interviewed at Terminex where Nikki worked at the time and I was offered a position there, but only hours before I had gotten the call from the Pastor asking me to come work there. I know that God has some plans for me here. I'm sure as I'm there longer, I'll figure out what those are.
Today is the one year anniversary of Stacy's death. I didn't realize it until about an hour ago. I still can't think about it without being sad. Somehow the sadness just hasn't lifted yet. There hasn't been any closure to the situation- no answers, just more questions. I don't want to freak myself out about it now though. Mike is out of town and I need to sleep here alone for the next few days. Although not thinking about it won't help, thinking about it definitely won't help. Also in the area of saddness, Reagan's mom passed away last month. I'm at such a loss of words about it. Everytime I think about it my heart feels ripped in two. When I first found out, I cried like a fool. It was at that moment I realized just how much I loved Reagan. Never in my life has a loved one of mine experienced loss and I havn't had something uplifting to say. But this time- I just couldn't find my voice. Putting myself in her place, I aboslutely could not think of a comforting thing to say. I could only be there. I refused to begin comforting her, only for it to turn into her comforting me. I still feel so inadequate. I want to say all the lovely things that need to be said- but in my mind, all I hear is, "but that was her mother." How do I address yet one more heartbreak in Reagan's life? How do I tell her that things will get better? There is one thing that makes the hardships bearable- the promise of JOY. Reagan will be blessed with more JOY than she ever had suffering. Can you imagine such a joy? Such a joy that every tear, every dissapointment, every trial fades away. Oh that we could all experince such a joy!
Changing the subject, my dad had heart surgery in March. What a trial that was! I was there 2 weeks with him and killed me to have to leave. He's doing great now though. Feeling better than before, able to get around better than before. He was off of work for about 3 months! That was really the first time I felt shaken concerning my dad. He's had physical problems for so long but I knew God was there and I knew my dad had faith, no matter how he appeard to believe. But after the surgery- I really saw him. I saw him in the hospital bed looking like a defeated Superman. It's almost like I didn't think my dad was really that sick until I saw him coming out of surgery. He was still really disorientated. He had that horrible tube down his throat and wires everywhere. He just kept trying to move around while he was coming out of the anesthetic. It was heart-wrenching. It was the first time in my life I thought I was going to pass out. I could feel the color leave my face and I got cold and clammy- I just had to leave. Not supergirl all the time huh!? He was really an inspiration to me though. It took them 5 years to finally figure out what was wrong with my dad. He never gave up. He kept on the doctors, he would not be told to go away! He knew something was wrong and wasn't going to take the simple fix. He's why I decided that I had to get my stomach troubles checked out. I'm glad I did. I'm not 100% yet, but I keep getting better all the time. My stomach trouble has gotten way better, my monthy cycles have even been more regular. God knows what he's doing if I just trust Him and stop trying to fix myself all the time!!
In other news: we have had our house for sale for 5 months now- not a single bite yet, but I'm OK with that, for now. Since my gallbladder surgery it's like I've lost motivation to get this place cleaned up again and ready to sell. God's time, His plan. By the way, my gallbladder was the trouble all along! When I kept complaining of pain and saying I thought my body was falling apart.... thank God that's all over with!
While I'm on the God topic- my Pastor said something that has really got me thinking. He talked about remembering our dreams tonight. Remembering those things that you used to have a passion for- or those things that you know that God has called you to. It hit me like a ton of bricks...I don't know my dream. I know that there have been times that I've gotten excited over the thought of teaching someday, in a church setting (not school!). But, the lies move in so quickly- it's hard for me to believe that this could be my dream. I'm too young...not enough experience...don't have enough knowledge...other know so much more. And the list goes on. So, what's the dream? What's that one thing that I want God to do in my life, WITH my life? A teacher, a councilor, a secretary?? Don't I have a passion for something? Isn't there that one thing that I just love and can't imagine life without?.... If it's such an obvious thing, why can't I think of something? I shouldn't have to try to think of it at all,I should just know. The only thing I see myself doing forever, with a passion, is being a wife and mom. It's not that those are not big enough asperations in life, but shouldn't there be more? Shouldn't I just "know" where God is calling me? So, in response to these questions...God, I'll try to liten harder!
