I'm still working..it's ehhh. It's a job. Something to do until we start out family. I've left that completely in God's hands. If it happens- it does. If not- I'll keep waiting. Mike's family thinks we are seriously troubled in our child making abilities. They think because we have been married 5 years now and still have no kids that there just HAS to be something wrong! The truth of it is- I stopped keeping track a long time ago. When we want to make love- we do. I don't care if it happens to be the right time or not. I don't even keep track of what the right time is. I think we are at a point in our marriage where we are just really enjoying each other- laughing together- just loving each other. TO me, that means so much more than "trying" so hard to accomplish something that is not in our hands. Everytime the baby issue comes up with his family- they tip toe around the fact that they think it's been too long that we've been trying. In all honesty, if I am normal at all (which I doubt that I am) we have only actually "tried" one or two times.

Anyways... Life has been going on at somewhat of a drudging pace. I'm not depressed or anything- I'm just settling into reality. The reality of having a job and having less free time and more aggravation. It was bound to happen sometime right? Everyone grows up, or at least they should.

I find myself in a place right now where I'm just trying to grow. I'm trying to figure out more about myself and the people I love. It seems like those who have always been close to me are just getting closer- and more special. I really enjoy only having a few important relationships in my life. There is no being phony with these people- namely my mom and reagan. I just feel like these two relationships have been blessing me to no end. A few weeks ago, Reagan got to come and stay here a few days. We didn't do anything in particular. We didn't have to- it was great. It was so nice to have someone else around me besides Mike who "gets" me. I don't even have to say anything and Reagan knows what I’m thinking. I miss having that around me all the time. I've been feeling pretty homesick lately. I go through spurts I guess. Well, I haven't been home since Christmas- so it's been a while. I usually never go more than a month or so without getting to go home- I think I'm just getting a little antsy.

Me and my mom had a long talk online yesterday. She's really struggling with my dad. My dad's health just seems to get worse and worse. She finally got to the point where she knew he was killing himself- and she did the only thing she could think of. She talked to his doctor about it. She told him that my dad is an alcoholic and that he isn't doing well at home. Well, the dr. was shocked to hear that he drank so much- never knowing that that was the main cause of his problems. My mom told my dad that she talked to the doctor- he really hasn't said much to her since then. She's just waiting for the worst. She's afraid that he's going to go overboard with this thing and blow it way up. That's how he is, that's always how he's been. He bottles it up for a while- then explodes. I think my mom is at a point where she doesn't care if he gets mad. If what she did will help to save his life- it was worth the risk for her. She told me that my dad was worried about her because she let the plants die. When she told me that- it really struck something in me. She just said it as a random thing I think- but it parallels so much with what her and my dad are going through. I told her that she has been watering these plants for years and for what- to look at them- to have them sit there? She waters them just to keep them alive. When she grew tired of them being there- she let them die. I told her its like a one way relationship- she was tired of giving while they only took. She just didn't care enough for them anymore. I think she's getting to that point with my dad. It's not that she doesn't care- but she's tired of taking care of him to try to help keep him alive while he just sits there. He almost doesn't want to live. She's tired of watering him and keeping him happy while getting so little in return. She doesn't want him to be sick- but she doesn't want to keep supporting his bad decisions. She doesn't want to keep giving and getting nothing in return. She told me that she's given him up to God because she knows there's nothing left for her to do. In a way it's like the plants- she's done trying. I don't know if this is all making sense here- but it really did when we talked last night. She said that it made sense to her. I guess that's all that matters. I just don't know what to do with my dad. He can't expect a doctor to make him better if he refuses to tell his doctor the whole story- why is his sugar so high? He drinks too much beer. Why does his blood pressure go high? He doesn't eat right- he doesn't sleep right. It's at the point where it seems like he doesn't even care. Well I care- the children that I may someday have will care that they never knew him. It's not just him that he’s effecting. He killing my mom- not in body but spirit. She's been so weighed down with the burden of him being sick- not that she; has to do anything for him- but she has to be the supporter- the one to lift him up because he won't do it himself. Someone needs to shake that man up! Someone needs to shine the light in his eyes. She’s tried. She said she did what she felt led to do- she spoke her peace- now it's up to him. I just wish there was something I could do.